This 116-year-old woman will make your partying look like a walk in a park

116-Year-Old Attributes Long Life to Meth and Barebacking

I thought ending up in Chinchilla Queensland on a cocktail of acid, coke and Xanax was an epic weekend. But that’s nothing compared the antics of 116-year-old Erma. Seriously back in the day I knew how to party… maybe a little too hard, but after hearing about Erma, everything I’ve done is child’s play.

She might seem like a sweet old lady, but damn this girl knows how to let her hair down and get her freak on. According to Reductress, Erma has found the secret to a long life and it’s not what you think. She claims, “Daily doses of crank and bareback sex with strange men has kept me feeling young and sprightly, 116 years is a long time, but it feels short when you live like I do.”

The nursing home staff call her “Miss Erma”, however to her “gentlemen friends” know her as “Big Momma Ice”. Not the most original name. But if it’s working for her, who are we to judge? She describes her daily routine, saying ““I eat a bowl of cold cereal in the morning, go for a walk, specifically to buy methamphetamine off of a biker. Then we have unprotected sex.”

You’d think after living through two World Wars and the Great Depression, that she would have gone through some pretty tough times, but she claims nothing was tougher than the first meth ban in the 70’s. Can’t judge her for having priorities I guess.

“I thought I’d be in a nursing home by that time, but then a motorcycle gang took me under their wing. I had sex with all of them.” She says reflecting on the darkest period of her life. Smashed porridge anyone?

“Snorting instead of smoking or injecting the crank helped keep my skin looking young and my veins intact,” she explains, showing off pictures of her great-great-granddaughter. “Whenever they’d call me their old lady, I’d say, ‘Who you callin’ old?’ And we’d just laugh and laugh.”

Not too sure if I plan on adopting her lifestyle anytime soon. I find it a struggle just to get one man, let alone an entire bikie gang. However, I admire the fact that she give zero fucks and is rather proud of it. While most centenarians may attribute many different things to their longevity, she remains steadfast in her belief that a life of unsafe sex and controlled substances have helped in keeping her going this long. Oh and one more thing, “Also, never get married. Men will suck you dry.”

While we can’t help but admire the old girl to certain level, just remember what Mr Mackey from South Park says…

Oh and wear condom guys!

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Author: Special K

The rants of a somewhat fictional character.

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